Monday, December 11, 2006
there are bags of sugar cane candy that french kiss the inside of your eye sockets and when you start stinging all over needing so badly that fix- you'll get pussy-schocked by the electrical circuit hard-wired to your pace maker
Sunday, December 10, 2006
Thursday, December 07, 2006
ok- it's time to stop this rambling and start wearing purple and doing something with my life (yeah right)
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
Monday, December 04, 2006
Sunday, December 03, 2006
Thursday, November 30, 2006
"be free" i think "don't make your way into anybody's coffee- that wouldn't be nice"
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
"so much on my mind that i can't recline"
there's a girl in one of my classes that i can't stand and she makes me feel like a bad person because she drives me so crazy- i just wish she'd think sometimes a little more than how much it seems like she thinks.....
"for trees to grow in brooklyn, seeds need to be planted..."
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
Monday, November 27, 2006
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
Monday, November 20, 2006
Saturday, November 18, 2006
i really want to take an english course about graphic novels and this morning, as i'm getting ready to go to work, i decided to write the teacher of the course to try to get myself in the class. just as i was finishing the e-mail, getting it ready to send, i see the nigerian man walking up our front step. he hands me a bag of pink gooey pastries and tells me "they're fresh" then proceeds to ask what we're up to tonight, what my e-mail address is, etc.
i think that's creepy
Thursday, November 16, 2006
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
Monday, November 13, 2006
sometimes this piece of masking tape is all that holds me together and when i expand like yeast continents in a pool of flour and water, i threaten to escape all bounds and that's when they come for me- frightened of what kind of power i could have over you all. the initial shock is in the secrets we keep. because everyone already knows them and when the phone calls keep coming in and none of them are from who you want them to be from and they hold stupid words for you to sift through and you can't quite remember the last time you had sex because it was just that long ago (and of course because you remember almost the exact day sometime before easter it haunts you even more especially because you remember particulars like how you were face down and almost came too fast). but these things are all for a yesterday outside of time. now i will eat my mango chutney and drink my french press coffee and pretend that i am a real human being for a little while until i dive into that chaos once more.
Sunday, November 12, 2006
Thursday, November 09, 2006
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
Monday, November 06, 2006
i think that we've come to an understanding
i go this way and you go that way and when we happen to cross each other's pass
we won't freak out or be those insecure little monsters we are on the inside
we'll just get out our hand grenades and sawed-off shot guns. we'll uncork our barrels of napalm, bare machetes and go after each other like civilized human beings.
Friday, November 03, 2006
not like now- when the wind bites through everything i'm wearing and my bed is so emptyemptyempty. the temperature hasn't even dropped as low as last time- but i already have hypothermia
Thursday, November 02, 2006
Sunday, October 29, 2006
“This is where I call home, baby. Home sweet home, good ol’
“Watch out with that cigarette, Annie, if you drop it, the river might start burning again.”
“Fuck off.” Annie put her head out of the window so that even if Thom had said anything she couldn’t have heard him.
He couldn’t figure out that look on her face. It was like she was seeing something that he couldn’t. The way her eyes softened over the haze of the smoke-stacks. The way her lips seemed to embrace the measly skyline. Her smile was one of comfort. Like she had fallen into something soft and covered in satin. Where he could only see “fucking
Thursday, October 26, 2006
Monday, October 23, 2006
-different thought completely-
sometimes it would be nice to just tell the truth. For example:
-How was your night last night?
-Pretty good- I fucked myself until two in the morning- my hand still has a cramp!
-Wow- that sounds like a workout!
-Yeah- how was your night?
-Oh- you know, I cried myself to sleep because I miss you so bad.
-That sucks- I'm sorry. It really sucks that we had to break up but I just hated the fact that I still had to sneak into your house so your mom wouldn't know I was there and you never washed your underwear.
-I know- it was pretty lame. Plus, I never told you but I was sleeping with your brother the whole time. So it's probably a good thing we broke up.
-My brother's gay? You're gay?
-Well, it was really nice to see you, but the conversation just got really awkward so I guess it's time to part ways.
-Definately! And even though it's a terrible idea, if you ever want to have meaningless sex with someone who's still totally enfatuated with you- give me a call!
-Wow! That does sound like a terrible idea! I think i'd rather smash a brick repeatedly into my skull.
-I'm not gonna lie- that really hurts my feelings! But it's all good- because I'm sleeping with your sister and all four of your roommates too! See you around!
-Yeah- see ya!
Sunday, October 22, 2006
Friday, October 20, 2006
happy face...like this: stretching your lips up and away from each other and towards that clear blue sky. open your eyes up wide to take everything in and laugh the way you did in middle school when you all would laugh so hard without understanding why.
liza face...like this: remain neutral- almost robotic because you don't actually realize that these things are happening to you. scrunch your lips up to your nose to see whether or not it's cold. blink a few times because your contacts are dry.
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
There is a light outside my bedroom window and it flickers on and off. Like it’s a motion detector and it can tell when the butterflies in my stomach are flying rampant and when I’ve been able to calm myself down. Off and on; somewhere between helpful and annoying, somewhere between light and dark. Somewhere between laughing and crying. It flickers on and it makes me think of the way he smiled and it flickers off and it makes me think of the way he cried and the way I wanted to gather him up in my arms forever and whisper him stories that never happened.
I got uncomfortable around him easily because I knew that I could do anything at all and he would still love me and I didn’t know what to do with that kind of power. We would sit on the hill across from his work overlooking my old elementary school and he would watch the way I had no idea how to communicate with him. We would look at each other and he wouldn’t flinch when our eyes met and I didn’t know what that meant so I would kiss him and try to force myself to feel something and then when I felt something I would kiss him again to kill whatever it was I was feeling.
And he would smoke and I would tell him he shouldn’t smoke and I hated myself for sounding like a mother and he liked me for sounding like I cared. And he would drink and I would say that I didn’t drink and I hated myself for sounding like I thought I was better and he liked me for not being like everyone else in his life.
And he would cut himself and I would tell him that he shouldn’t and I hated myself for looking after him. And he liked me because I noticed.
The light turns off. The light turns on. The way he would hold my hand even when I didn’t want him to. The way he wanted me even after I had left him for someone else. The way he never asked me questions he didn’t want an answer to. The way he put his arms around my stomach at a concert and the way I felt proud to be there with him and he felt proud to be there with me. Like we were both saying to every one else: “look what I have, this person is mine.”
The way I smelled like someone else. The way he knew but didn’t ask because he didn’t want to know. The way I wanted to cry when he told me he loved me. The way I have forgotten what it means to love someone else. The way I have forgotten how to cry.
The light turns off.
Monday, October 16, 2006
Sunday, October 15, 2006
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
Monday, October 09, 2006
Sunday, October 08, 2006
Thursday, October 05, 2006
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
there are some stories i just wish would never end.
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
i'd like to unstring your knees so i can finally get my harp to sound like something important again. your tendons never did sound so sweet as when i was plucking them like this.
Monday, October 02, 2006
the basement is warm as any carpeted cinderblock could be. nintendo creeping into your fingers while Kraft singles melt into their plastic without anyone noticing but we eat anyway and can't tell the difference.
one day my 15,000 page autobiography will be found clogging my gutters and you'll wish so bad that you could read it through the water damage
Sunday, October 01, 2006
i guess nobody's ever told you about how the steam gets in your blood, boiling it away until it's nothing but a thin layer of scrap on the basement floor. at first you might be kind of upset about all that blood getting away from you, but i've lived without it for long enough and it's honestly not all bad as they make it out to be.
Saturday, September 30, 2006
i found a wedding bouquet on the ground today...a little odd if you ask me
Thursday, September 28, 2006
did you ever use to make out at red-lights and then the cars behind you would honk all crazy because your 16-year-old self got lost in the way one of his hand felt behind your neck-the other on the steering wheel and the light had turned green.
has life ever snuck up behind you, slithering on the floor, grabbing your heels, tying them together like shoelaces and it hurts but you can't scream out because you have company and you don't want to alarm them. Are you still sitting there, too embarassed to stand up and show the world?
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
seriously though folks, are you even LISTENING to the local music show on WCBN? Jacuzzi is officially my all-time favorite band...like woah. "Get down Ann Arbor, I know you want to!" so true... so true. Wow, I'm almost using caps! almost. Right now I'm wearing grandma shorts that I acquired from the Pioneer costume room. it's pretty fantastic. the navy clue pants in combination with my super red collared shirt make a perfect soccar mom. which is really what I've always wanted to be. One love, Ann Arbor. and Goodnight
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
Monday, September 25, 2006
Sunday, September 24, 2006
Thursday, September 21, 2006
This is an ode to hairy legs and to sweat-stains. An hommage to those girls that will never be able to contain their genes enough to be perfect. A recognition of all who deal with uni-brows and mustaches, big feet and rounded bellies. In other words, it is for every one. Every girl who has felt like less of a girl because when she airbrushes herself it doesn't stay. For anyone who has tried to cover-up their sweat-glands and put cover-up over their dark under-eyes. Us imperfects who are everywhere but nowhere in our mock-ups. Why is the idea of "feminine" always a negation of humanness. Girls should never smell, always shave, never admit to having a digestive system except to embarassingly admit to liking chocolate. I'm no ball-breaker but I'm kind of sick of having to question my femininity. Aren't a female if my genetics and my psychology agree? Why am I a dyke or a man-hater or more masculine for cutting my hair and not shaving? How is that a logical argument? I still have a vagina, right? SO what is a woman? What is feminine? And why the fuck do we expect ourselves to follow along with such arbitrary definitions if it's not what our character tells us is right?
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
the first boy i ever kissed was my best friend, sam, and we went at it for what felt like a life-time. i remember being so surprised by how lips moved and all of the things they could do and how tongues could be like exclamation points or elipses depending on your intent. it was like some secret was suddenly revealed to me and i finally understood why people did it so much and that i would do it so much or at least try to because kissing was like the gateway to this other world where anything was possible even if nothing ever happened.
the first boy i had sex with was my high school boyfriend, danny. we had just watched "angelheart" (a danny devito movie about the devil) and he was almost on his way to work and my dad and step-mom had left for the symphony and before we knew it we were half-way up the stairs, most-of-the-way undressed and we reached that point where we both wanted it to happen and our bodies were telling us it was now but neither of us could actually bring it up. until he did or i did and then we did and even though it hurt it was like seeing a new color and it's so bright you think you have to close your eyes. he was so close to me it made me carnivorous; wanting to press him further into me wanting to taste every part of him so i could know it when he wasn't near.
the first boy who ever insisted on not using a condom to the point where he "put it in" even after i told him not to was matt. and he had no real relationship with me except that we slept together for a month or so. i remember being so shocked by how naked i felt with him there without anything without me wanting it and even though we were sweating i was so cold and i just kept trying to tell myself that i liked it because i knew that if i admitted that i didn't, i'd completely fall apart.
the first boy who refrained from having sex with me because he wanted to get to know me better was Lucas. and even though i was annoyed because all i really wanted to do was get laid, i was so happy and so confused. he cared about me in this way i couldn't understand because i was still hung up on my ex-boyfriend but when he kept not wanting to have sex it made me realize that he knew my distance and wanted me to close to him in every way-not just physically. i wanted to care for him the way that he cared for me, not so we could fuck, but so i could understand not wanting to.
maybe this is too personal. maybe it's too intimate maybe none of it's true.
Sunday, September 17, 2006
Saturday, September 16, 2006
Thursday, September 14, 2006
this is the corner of my room...and it makes me even sleepier then i already am. really...i'm sleepy. i put photos all around my room today (although not in this corner). pictures of my sisters and my nephews and my parents. there are ones of when we were all little and our mother and father still looked each other in the eye. the corners of the photos are rounded. we each look like a different species from what we are today. i'd like to find what's left of them in us..we doe-eyed children and wide-smiling parents. there has to be something left. i am slanted today. bending towards the ground with unbending knees. walking downhill was all but catastrophic. i wish i could figure out what story is mine to tell...
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
-No, really Allison. You've got to do it!
-Ok, but I should go, I haven't done ANY homework and you have to go do important stuff too.
-I know my parents are going to totally freak out.
-I know, but you remember what happened LAST time that happened.
-(laugh) You like mixing it up, Allison.
-Yeah, I know. Me too. Ok, well I'll talk to you soon.
-(laugh) Just tell her that she's been whoring out her sex toys to other countries. (laugh laugh lau)
-Ok ok ok. I miss you! Talk to you soon.
Monday, September 11, 2006
you've been telling me this whole time that things are just as they are (as they are as they are as they are) and i wish i could believe you but it's in the way that we all smile sometimes when we're so drunk off of 55 cent beer even though it's monday night and, yeah, i know that i don't look like her and that i'll never get her and that he'll never like me (because who the fuck doesn't shave under their goddamn armpits) and i really wish that i could tell you i didn't care and that i'm happier the way i am because i am enlightened. i know the TRUTH but of course we all know that's complete bullshit...i just wish i could prove that the hair around my drain could form something beautiful if i lifted it up in the right kind of way. i just wish that friends would stay forever if you held them tight enough. i just wish that with enough training- we could all become something worthwhile. Meanwhile, she is brushing her teeth, examining the angles that her jawline make against the white tiled walls and she's counting the number of blackheads that make her so imperfect and the number of muscles that make him so delicious and she wishes that she could tell me....but i'll keep not listening...because i've cut off my ears...because the noise is too loud. and i'm pretty sure that one day i'll see him at a bar and then we'll be talking and then we'll be leaving and his hand will be around my waist so casual and when we get to his house (which is closer than mine) i'll suddenly forget what it felt like to not want this and then our lips will be so warm and tongues will live and hands will be everywhere and his bed will stumble upon us without introduction and the way he unzips my pants won't be like intrusion and the his hands fit everywhere won't be rude and the way my fingers hold onto his skin will be perfect and the way we don't see each other later will be the way i have always wanted it to be....but i create these lies for myself all of the time.
Saturday, September 09, 2006
We’re speeding down the highway singing Bonnie Raitt. Ok, go on, make fun if you must (and if you’re an ex-boyfriend of mine, there’s no use because I already know you’re thoughts on the matter), but clearly if you’re disapproving it means that you’ve never flown down some Southwestern road (most likely lost) with your sisters and mother singing “Well I met you on a mid-way, at a fair last year” just about as loud as you can. And as far as you’re concerned you all sound just like the recording because the wind whipping through the open windows is too loud for any of you to actually hear each other. You know that no matter how sad the lot of you are and how angry at each other and how frustrated that you’ll never forget what you’re parents looked like kissing each other and how happy you were for a minute because you thought it meant they wouldn’t get divorced, you know that in spite of all this, there is this song, this album, and you all know it by heart. And for a minute you can all be together on something. And if you’ve never had this experience, I am sad for you and realize that you must find joy somewhere else and so I will permit you to make fun of us for still liking Bonnie Raitt.
Friday, September 08, 2006
i'd love so much to have my stomach all in one piece.