Thursday, October 16, 2008

By Shane Jones and Liza: A GChat Story

Please be aware: all "haha's" and "ok's" and "hmmm's" have been removed from this conversation for your convenience.

so there's Little Mustache
everyone hates Little Mustache
he has little legs and little arms
and a little penis

Liza: (don't you always want it to be spelled moustache?)

Shane: yeah
Little Moustache walks around by himself all day
he punches trees to feel strong

Liza: (and he wears a big coat)

Shane: yeah, his coat is too big
so one day Little Moustache
i'm watching television now
this is hard
one day Little Moustache meets Big Beard

Liza: oh shit

Shane: yeah, Big Beard is terrible
he kicks Little Moustache right in the center of his moustache

Liza: bully

Shane: okay, now i need your help
Little Moustache could start lifting weights

Liza: I think the kick makes Little Moustache's moustache get really big

Shane: yeah, it just starts growing
into this massive beard
it's gigantic

Liza: huge!

Shane: "Fuck you Big Beard!"

Liza: "My Little Moustache is Bigger than your Big Beard!"

Shane: i'm going to send this story to Paris Review

Liza: as you should
so Big Beard gets so embarrassed that he's clearly lost the pissing contest

Shane: he starts jerking off

Liza: wow- that's one way to deal with humiliation

Shane: let's just throw a bunch of flith at
the end
Little Moustache shits on everyone he's ever known, fucks every woman

Liza: and this one guy he always had a thing for
He pisses on trees
and the dogs pissing on trees

Shane: then there's a giant fuckfest...the end?

Liza: I'm confused

Shane: this is out of control

Liza: does Big Beard start the filth?
or does Little Moustache?
which one starts jerking off?

Shane: ummm
maybe they both can

Liza: great

Shane: they have a jerk-off contest
that makes sense

Liza: maybe B.B. starts out of humiliation and L.M. thinks it's a terrific idea

Shane: hairballs are flying through the air

Liza: hairballs?
from the fuckfest?

Shane: yeah, that's awesome

Liza: the end

here's one my granny used to tell me.

By A Crippie

"it wis a caaaaaaulllld, daaaaaark nicht in the scottish highlands when a bonnie wee american arrived wi' nothing but a smile and a suitcase full o' arborio rice. it wis sae caaaaaauuulld and daaaaaaark. the bonnie wee american didnae ken wheresae ever to heid so she asked a kindly lookin' auld lassie, sitting drinkin' whisky oot o' a boot and mumblin' tae hersel' aboot knickers or kippers or crippies. "buggery!!" she gret, the bevvie reekin' on her rancid breath screechin' through the caaaaaullld daaaaaaark air. the bonnie wee american recoiled in horror, turned aboot hersel' and, seein' only vomit and wilderness, she shrugged acceptin'-like and wi' nothin' but the auld adage "when in glasgow, dae as the weegies dae" ringin' in her ears she sat doon wi' the witch on the caaaaaauulld daaaaaaark nicht and took a lang glug of whisky. well, nothin' but that and a suitcase full of staple foods."

Friday, October 03, 2008

Lend Me Yours

Hey! I've been thinking a lot about collaboration and I want some of it. So. Why don't you write me a story (in the "comment" section of this entry). I'll read it and post it on my blog under whatever name you want it to be under...and we can creatively exist in the ether of the internet. Stories can be whatever you want them to be: visual, fiction, history, whatever. Just make it cool. And do it. I'll look stupid with a lot of blank entries.

Thursday, October 02, 2008

perhaps the solution

I'm in a bit of a pickle (that I've complained about to most of my friends) with regards to underwear. This is just one of the reasons why I'm almost terrified to purchase new lingerie. It's relatively easy to find sweat-free/organic clothes. At the very least you can buy second hand and not feel like you're contributing TOO much to the decline of our world. Underwear, however, is not quite as easy. Panties are a little easier to track down but bras are almost impossible. Especially underwire bras. If it's not made my children in Cambodia, it's made by prisoners. If they're made fairly, then they're made by a company that has it's own questionable morals (that article, by the way, is over three years old). In an attempt to branch out and buy something I felt comfortable putting my money behind, I went here. I do really like what I got, but was dismayed when I realized that it had been made in China. I've come to the conclusion that you simply cannot buy "intimates" and keep a clean conscious. Instead I'm trying some other options:



If you get any other good ideas, please let me know.