By A Crippie
"it wis a caaaaaaulllld, daaaaaark nicht in the scottish highlands when a bonnie wee american arrived wi' nothing but a smile and a suitcase full o' arborio rice. it wis sae caaaaaauuulld and daaaaaaark. the bonnie wee american didnae ken wheresae ever to heid so she asked a kindly lookin' auld lassie, sitting drinkin' whisky oot o' a boot and mumblin' tae hersel' aboot knickers or kippers or crippies. "buggery!!" she gret, the bevvie reekin' on her rancid breath screechin' through the caaaaaullld daaaaaaark air. the bonnie wee american recoiled in horror, turned aboot hersel' and, seein' only vomit and wilderness, she shrugged acceptin'-like and wi' nothin' but the auld adage "when in glasgow, dae as the weegies dae" ringin' in her ears she sat doon wi' the witch on the caaaaaauulld daaaaaaark nicht and took a lang glug of whisky. well, nothin' but that and a suitcase full of staple foods."
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