the first boy i ever kissed was my best friend, sam, and we went at it for what felt like a life-time. i remember being so surprised by how lips moved and all of the things they could do and how tongues could be like exclamation points or elipses depending on your intent. it was like some secret was suddenly revealed to me and i finally understood why people did it so much and that i would do it so much or at least try to because kissing was like the gateway to this other world where anything was possible even if nothing ever happened.
the first boy i had sex with was my high school boyfriend, danny. we had just watched "angelheart" (a danny devito movie about the devil) and he was almost on his way to work and my dad and step-mom had left for the symphony and before we knew it we were half-way up the stairs, most-of-the-way undressed and we reached that point where we both wanted it to happen and our bodies were telling us it was now but neither of us could actually bring it up. until he did or i did and then we did and even though it hurt it was like seeing a new color and it's so bright you think you have to close your eyes. he was so close to me it made me carnivorous; wanting to press him further into me wanting to taste every part of him so i could know it when he wasn't near.
the first boy who ever insisted on not using a condom to the point where he "put it in" even after i told him not to was matt. and he had no real relationship with me except that we slept together for a month or so. i remember being so shocked by how naked i felt with him there without anything without me wanting it and even though we were sweating i was so cold and i just kept trying to tell myself that i liked it because i knew that if i admitted that i didn't, i'd completely fall apart.
the first boy who refrained from having sex with me because he wanted to get to know me better was Lucas. and even though i was annoyed because all i really wanted to do was get laid, i was so happy and so confused. he cared about me in this way i couldn't understand because i was still hung up on my ex-boyfriend but when he kept not wanting to have sex it made me realize that he knew my distance and wanted me to close to him in every way-not just physically. i wanted to care for him the way that he cared for me, not so we could fuck, but so i could understand not wanting to.
maybe this is too personal. maybe it's too intimate maybe none of it's true.
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