5:13 pm

Don't tell anyone but I'm supposed to be working now. I always do find the last hour of work the hardest to get through. Especially when it is the 9th hour of work you're facing. After nine hours, life feels more than redundant and you feel that slamming your head repeatedly into wall of glass shards would be more appealing than making one more fucking phone call. So. I'm not working.

The sun is fading. The fluorescent light in this room makes everything feel yellow-urine stained. Not a pleasant sensation but kind of a perfect setting if you think about it.

I find that around this time of day I don't really have thoughts to share because my brain has all but stopped working. Something is percolating in there somewhere, however. Otherwise I wouldn't be tapping these keys so earnestly.

The state of things the state of things. We do try, don't we? To change things, change ourselves. Find the beauty of evolution, etc. But I think all we can ever do is circle around the same problem. We see it from different angles and trick ourselves that the different views are actually solutions. But we are really just digging ourselves into deeper holes. Right?

Maybe.

Maybe you are are beautiful. And I am beautiful and that's what means anything. But I think that's too pretty. I think the reality of it has too many loose ends to be summed up so succinctly.

I have ideas just under the skin of my pointer fingers. Both of them. Imagine. They simmer there and then die sometimes before I can even say "hello," before I can share them with myself, before they see the light of the moon.

Speaking of the moon. It is rising now. With me at my desk. Listening to music that a computer is choosing for me based on two bands that I've told it I like. And this is good. Because it means that I don't have to choose for myself, and it means that I am not all alone. At least I have some audio-accompaniment.

Then End.