HEY

MOBILE WHO ARE YOU?

There are no words...

...that can express my complete awe. How it's possible that I am the one person who is in this building right now and preparing for the holiday party is beyond me. It's really amazing. I wish I was in a band. That would make all things well.

to forget?

I just wrote an e-mail to an ex-boyfriend of mine and the e-mail was returned to me...david is no longer accessable via that particular e-mail address. I don't really know why I was writing in the first place. I guess just because I was thinking about him and hoping that he was doing well. I know he's not really the type to keep in touch and would probably much prefer that I not contact him, but I thought I'd be selfish and do it anyway. When I got the delivery failure notice I was a little weirded out, I guess I still am. I've never been very good at letting go or forgetting. I don't mind losing touch with people, but every once in a while I like that people remember each other and send a little energy to a person they haven't seen in years. So to know that this opportunity was rendered impossible is a strange experience. How can you just have a person slip from your life forever. Is that what you do now? I guess so. But I think it will take a lot of getting used to.

To Mobile

I do not know who you are...I don't think. and when I go to find out who you are, blogger will not let me see your profile. How mysterious. But thank you for making comments. My heart, she is warmed.

In other news:

Scumble, the cat is sleeping. Cheesy Spanish music is being played while my sister studies. I took a lot of Santa Fe pictures today to prove to the Brazilian Nanny that my sister is getting that they're not White Slave Traders. I almost went on a train ride...but could not in the end.

Too many things are happening that I cannot fix!

It is late and I am tired

But for some reason I cannot fall asleep. Though my eyes are heavy heavy heavy. I'd like to sleep. I really would. But there is something about the size of this bed that is preventing me from doing so. It's technically not particularly large- the bed in the room I sublet is larger. But it feels so expansive tonight. I've tried making it less so. I've stretched out my arms as wide as they will go. I even rotated myself sideways to take up more room- but to no avail. There is a gaping, empty eternity over at the other side of the bed and I can't help but think of all the different ways it's been filled. The backs that I have fallen asleep to. The way someone else fits into your dreaming and the impossibility of covers when you get close to someone else's skin. How you find a puzzle piece in the other person's body and a separate one in your own and the game becomes how to somehow fit them together. I suppose it is a lonely night. How can it be anything but when you remember the people and realize that there are many you'll never see again. Is that not strange? A person whose smell you can conjure up on sleepless nights...gone from your life story now. Not that it's bad-people leave for a reason...just strange. And so that is what I find in my mind right now. At 1:30am. I can hear the pipes in the house speaking. Scumble, the cat, has positioned herself in the perfect place to inhibit me from stretching out my feet. Old scenarios play and replay themselves in my head. Names reemerge. Faces melt into one another. Places become mazes of time and Cleveland seems like a wilderness of forgotten promises. I'd like to fall asleep now. Wish me luck.

Ba Ba

I cannot believe that it is already December. Holy cow.

Lest we forget the magesty that is cleveland

Santa Fe

My nephew is gorgeous. And perfect. And for some reason his parents can't seem to keep his hair combed and so he's growing a nice set of dreadlocks in the back of his hair. That's not entirely true...but he does seem to have a certain Rastafari look to him when he wakes up in the morning. He can say a variety of vowels which, when combined in certain ways, resemble words and he knows where not only his toes, elbows, nose, fingers, bellybutton reside(s,) he can also point out the same body parts on you. Very exciting stuff.

Santa Fe is lovely. Cold. There's snow on the ground (or as Lucas says "no" because he has not learned the magic sound of 's' yet). I've forgotten how dry it is up here at 7,000 ft and the first day I arrived I had a severe case of altitude sickness. The plan for the next two weeks is to hang out with the small, get a massage :), go to the Film Fest, and try to keep up appearances so I can at least try to look as stylish as my sister (the woman who has worn high heels since the first day she was able to convince our mother to buy her a pair; hiking, running, pregnant, the woman knows no bounds).

Today we will shop for yarn and underpinnings, maybe go to the film library, maybe go to the park. The world is simply full of possibilities.

5:13 pm

Don't tell anyone but I'm supposed to be working now. I always do find the last hour of work the hardest to get through. Especially when it is the 9th hour of work you're facing. After nine hours, life feels more than redundant and you feel that slamming your head repeatedly into wall of glass shards would be more appealing than making one more fucking phone call. So. I'm not working.

The sun is fading. The fluorescent light in this room makes everything feel yellow-urine stained. Not a pleasant sensation but kind of a perfect setting if you think about it.

I find that around this time of day I don't really have thoughts to share because my brain has all but stopped working. Something is percolating in there somewhere, however. Otherwise I wouldn't be tapping these keys so earnestly.

The state of things the state of things. We do try, don't we? To change things, change ourselves. Find the beauty of evolution, etc. But I think all we can ever do is circle around the same problem. We see it from different angles and trick ourselves that the different views are actually solutions. But we are really just digging ourselves into deeper holes. Right?

Maybe.

Maybe you are are beautiful. And I am beautiful and that's what means anything. But I think that's too pretty. I think the reality of it has too many loose ends to be summed up so succinctly.

I have ideas just under the skin of my pointer fingers. Both of them. Imagine. They simmer there and then die sometimes before I can even say "hello," before I can share them with myself, before they see the light of the moon.

Speaking of the moon. It is rising now. With me at my desk. Listening to music that a computer is choosing for me based on two bands that I've told it I like. And this is good. Because it means that I don't have to choose for myself, and it means that I am not all alone. At least I have some audio-accompaniment.

Then End.

tum tee tum

"not one girl I think
who looks on the light of the sun
will ever
have wisdom
like this"

askdhkj

Tonight has been full of things that nobody could wuite explain. Words around our heads that swirl and mix and don't actually come out the way you had thought originally. THe skyline is shimering like you always knew it would- a lightscape of onely people shining their torches into the night to try and find a soulmate. Or something. Tonight has been the night of secrets and betrayals and tears and truths and how do you approach the way your soul fills up with something that looks so much like a brick wall. Something to stop the world when it looks too big to contain. We are all leaving. All the time. We chose who we love. we chose who we forget. and sometimes we have no choice in the matter at all and what we have is a voice in the back of our heads telling us that someone is missing. Something is missing. And all we will have is the memory of something beautiful and i wonder maybe, if we're lucky, it won't ever fade.

after a few months

before coming to
you came through to me
on a gray day like today
with my feet in their socks
with my fingers aand your knots
it felt like tattooing an orange peel
all that poking through
my fingers got sticky
and you put the ink away
i bet you didn't know that you could take
each of my four limbs
and nail them to the corners of my room
or that i'd smile so sweetly while you did it
i imagine that we've been here before
but my mind is always playing tricks on me

spicy

I just "upgraded" my bloggerness. i don't really know what that means but my majadra wrap from oasis was really disappointing. tomorrow is my last required blog entry...i wonder if i'll miss it. i have learned this much:
there are bags of sugar cane candy that french kiss the inside of your eye sockets and when you start stinging all over needing so badly that fix- you'll get pussy-schocked by the electrical circuit hard-wired to your pace maker

untext

i should go home now so i can get some coffee-i've got a lot more work to do tonight. SNAGGLE! I can't believe that there's only one more week of school left and i still have so much work to do.

6:45

today i start drinking at 6:00 because it's just that kind of day. not that it's crazy or hectic, just incomplete (i'm not saying that alcohol will make everything okay, just that my frustrated need for drink comes from the incomplete-ness of the day). gogol bordello is perfect. i don't know why. probably because i used to hate them and now that that's out of the way i see how awesome they are. Edward is terribly annoying and i don't know why he's still around in my life. i definately don't need more stupid people in my life, i make up for most of that myself. i just submitted poems to two literary magazines and i'm nervous because i don't think any of my stuff is good enough for it, but i decided to just go for it anyway because what the fuck- you know? YOU YOU YOU. like you exist. "start wearing purple wearing purple, start wearing purple for me know"

ok- it's time to stop this rambling and start wearing purple and doing something with my life (yeah right)

a poem for you!

in this windy maelstrom
the ice cuts deep
but it's too cold to bleed


hmmm....so lovely

i hate the internets

i hate them so much because i have a lot of shit to do but instead i'm here- writing nothing doing nothing listening to the smiths and watching the cat's climbing up the sides of our house and it's icy out today so i hope that he's okay. but really i have to write this paper that i don't think has any point or meaning- which sucks and i can't really find an advisor for my thesis which also really sucks- bummer all over the place and since i'm being so eloquent i think i'll focus my literary prowess towards another project

as if you read

i'm not listening to music right now so no sneaky lyrics will pulse their way into my writing, unless, of course, the Rolling Stones song that i just heard on my way into the computer lab plays loudly enough in my head to get translated into this crazy technological format. meg's wooden mountain range is frighteningly sexual and i feel uncomfortable grabbing it the way that i just did. ok- i'm going to go now because class is about to start and i can't concentrate

88 seville

look! it's a palm tree in the middle of deeetroit. how exciting. "i'm going to the radio station by way of some errands". shmeggegi. i'm wearing a shirt with a radio on it and soon i'll go over to my boss' house so i can borrow one of her winter coats because my winter coats are still in CLEVELAND and i'm stoooopid (stooopid stoopid stooopid) and now i'm going to put on some socks because FUCK my feet are cold.....